P.S.

this is the only time i will let myself be negative - 2012 SUUUCKS! Losing a pregnancy - during Christmas - and then losing my baby Gracie 3 days after my birthday, who helped me through such a loss. However, I am thankful for my amazing family and friends. All I can say is - we may not be ballin out of control, but money does NOT buy you happiness. In fact I have learned that money couldn't even save my beloved Gracie. So for all the materialistic people out there- realize that it doesn't really mean anything. I just want my baby back.

The best gift...

This year has been full of struggles. In between those struggles have been blessings, but I've hit another struggle. About 5 days ago I noticed our blue heeler, Gracie, seemed under the weather. So I took her to the vet in which they did bloodwork and perscribed her some antibiotics. After a few days I knew she should have been recovering (I am a certified vet tech although I haven't done that in years!) so I knew something wasn't right. Over the period of 2 days she went down hill quickly. She had trouble breathing and overall was not herself. She lost her appetite (VERY odd for her, she would eat cardboard if i let her... in fact i think she has!), was very lethargic and almost depressed seeming. Weds night i was very concerned, I had a gut feeling that there was something more going on than a little infection. She couldn't get on the couch by herself anymore and I was hand feeding her. I was praying and begging God that by the morning she would be a little better after some rest. When I woke up I could hear her panting and knew that wasn't the case. She could hardly walk out the door in which I had to carry her the rest of the way to the car. This was absolutely heart breaking. So I took her back into the vet and they did x-rays which revealed what I feared the most and was NOT expecting. She had cancer that had spread throughout her abdomen and fluid had gathered in her chest/abdomen which had actually pushed her heart over. The tumors were growing in her lungs which is why she was having such a hard time breathing. As soon as I saw the x-ray I knew it was not good. They said we could do ultrasounds, asperate the fluid but the fluid was more than likely blood because she was very anemic. I did NOT want to put her through that because she does not like going to the vets and I knew that even if we did all of that it wouldn't save her life. If I thought it would give her another week... another day... another year... I would have done it. But that wasn't the case. For the first time in my life, money was no object, I was ready, willing, and had thousands available to shell out for my baby. Money and medicine could not save her and that is the worst feeling ever. For those of who didn't know Gracie - or may not know me - she was my shadow. I adopted her when she was 3 years old. she had heart worms in which we treated her for and she was literally attached to my hip. She has been with me through so much. Depression, anxiety, lose of a pregnancy - anything that happened she would lay in the bed with me and cuddle me and give me the ultimate comfort and unconditional love. What hurts the most is I didn't see this coming. 2 weeks ago she appeared to be normal. I never thought this day would come so soon and like this. she was only 10/11 years old. Because we adopted her we are not sure of her exact age. I know for some people a dog is a pet- but she was my child. We had a unique relationship and I swear she was human. I can honestly say - losing a pregnancy, going through taht medical treatment was so difficult, but this hurts my heart in a deeper way. What I would give to have one last cuddle with her. Of course, I would never want that last cuddle to end. I held her until the very end and walking away from her was the most heart breaking thing I have done. I dont know how i'm going to sleep tonight. I can barely stop crying. I look like the psychopath at the grocery store crying. My mom has been amazing and took her crate back to her house because I just couldnt see it. She slept next to me in it every night. I had been staying at my parents house for a few weeks in which we snuggled in bed every night. I am so glad I had that time with her. I kept her leash and collar because I just can't let go of that. I also saved her blanket she slept on and I didn't let my mom wash it. I dont even want to wash the clothes i'm wearing today because i know it has her fur on it. I didn't know this sense of loss. After moving to college station she was all i had other than my husband. we have three cats that i love to death as well, but you can ask anyone and gracie was "my" dog. I figured she'd live to be at least 15. My heart is sooo broken. I don't know how to move on or to wrap my head around the idea I wont see her again. I keep thinking I hear her and waiting for her to come around the corner. she had her spot on the couch and i look over at it and it looks so empty and sad, which is how my heart feels. My grieving is the most physically painful thing. My heart literally hurts. I wasn't ready to let go - but I knew it was the best thing for her. By the time we got to the clinic she couldn't walk on her own. they said when they did x-rays her gums became very pale and she couldn't breathe. I thought about taking her home for one more night - i wish i had but i know it would be torture for her and me. I just needed her to not be in pain anymore. I feel so sorry for the people closest to me. I don't know when I will be myself again or when I will stop crying. Everyone keeps saying I saved her - but they don't know that she saved me from so much more. I will love her forever and not a day will go by that i don't think of her. I just hope instead of tears I will smile.