Merp.

Let's say you found out you were pregnant, lost the baby and then at least FOUR women you knew had roughly the same due date as you... How would you feel? I'm really curious.

Because I feel SAD. And MAD. And BITTER. But, mainly sad :(

I have been crying on and off today. As I sit here and right this, I have tears streaming down my face. It's so hard. I know everything happens for a reason, I know people go through situations a million times worse... I know! But that doesn't remove the ache and hole in my heart :(

Ultimately I am really happy for them. Really, I am! I wouldn't want anyone to feel how I feel. It's horrible to have such little self worth. However, I can't talk about them, their pregnancy, anything. One girl (I watched her on youtube) found out right as I found out I was going to have the "treatment" and I even deleted her from my facebook and youtube. Everything is BABY PREGNANCY BABY PREGNANCY and its just a HUGE slap in the face at what I failed at (Youtube still keeps posting these lovely pregnancy vlogs even though I UNSUBSCRIBED - very funny!). I don't hold it against them, but man does it hurt.

I really dislike being that statistic I read when I was first pregnany and joyous... something like "one in every 5 women will experience a miscarriage or abnormal pregnancy" and I remember cringing and praying that I wouldn't be that statistic. WELL I AM.

Some people say "at least you know you can get pregnant!" - which is true. Yes, YAY! I can get pregnant! But can I STAY pregnant? I mean... being pregnant and then LOSING the baby basically cancels out the matter on if you can get pregnant or not. Because why does it matter if you can't create a family with your spouse?

I can't get pregnant for a few more months anyway which is even MORE like a little slap. Even if we wanted to we couldn't try right now.

Every day this whole thing eats me up just a little bit more. I try to not let it consume me because thats lame, but i'm having a pity party tonight.

Delayed reaction??

This time next weekend we will be loading up a truck to move or hopefully already doing the whole moving in process to a small town about 2 hours outside of Houston. We pick up the keys on our new pretty apartment Feb 17th. I'm so happy we will be together for Lawrence's birthday, our anniversary and my upcoming birthday.

I am scared to leave Houston because I don't really know anything else... and leaving my family, friends etc. Honestly, I miss Lawrence so much that it is definitely worth it and I wouldn't have it any other way. I realized wherever he is is where my heart is.

I have really been struggling the past few days. I feel sad about all the things that have happened over the past couple months. I look at pictures before I found out I was pregnant and just want to cry. I feel like I was so normal then, I didn't know what a sadness like this felt. I looked so HAPPY and carefree. I was!

I feel changed. I'm no longer the same person and that scares me. I take things more to heart now - little comments about pregnant women, pregnancy, babies, being a mom etc are very hard for me to hear. When people say "oh you don't understand this until you become a mother..." or "no one understand until they've had kids..." or "only if you've been pregnant can you relate!" it really really reallly really (have i emphasized that enough?) hurts my heart and just makes me want to break down. Working around women all day hasn't helped that either because personally, I feel robbed.

Being away from Lawrence doesn't make this any easier. I have been so strong throughout this whole thing. I've felt angry and a little bitter, but overall I could tell myself everything happens for a reason and I'm lucky to be alive. Now I think i'm getting to the whole grieving thing? It's a very emotional time for me too... leaving the place I pretty much grew up in.

My hormone levels are back down to zero so I can no longer blame hormones. As much as I didn't want to, I've been put on birth control because I started bleeding A LOT (I thought I was going to bleed to death! it was not pretty!) and that seems to have helped.

I also can't take anyone asking when/if we are going to try again. I don't want to talk about it with anyone but Lawrence. We DO want to try again but I don't know when. I'm so scared at the thought of it, I can't go through this again.

I'm ready for this move, for a change and to be with the love of my life. I miss him so much during the week it's painful. He really does complete me. I had my last day at work yesterday and while I am sad because I loved the people I worked with, I'm ready for a fresh start.

I hate feeling so sad, being so sensitive about baby talk and mommyhood talk - it's very unlike me, but I can't help it : ( waaaah!