Merp.

Let's say you found out you were pregnant, lost the baby and then at least FOUR women you knew had roughly the same due date as you... How would you feel? I'm really curious.

Because I feel SAD. And MAD. And BITTER. But, mainly sad :(

I have been crying on and off today. As I sit here and right this, I have tears streaming down my face. It's so hard. I know everything happens for a reason, I know people go through situations a million times worse... I know! But that doesn't remove the ache and hole in my heart :(

Ultimately I am really happy for them. Really, I am! I wouldn't want anyone to feel how I feel. It's horrible to have such little self worth. However, I can't talk about them, their pregnancy, anything. One girl (I watched her on youtube) found out right as I found out I was going to have the "treatment" and I even deleted her from my facebook and youtube. Everything is BABY PREGNANCY BABY PREGNANCY and its just a HUGE slap in the face at what I failed at (Youtube still keeps posting these lovely pregnancy vlogs even though I UNSUBSCRIBED - very funny!). I don't hold it against them, but man does it hurt.

I really dislike being that statistic I read when I was first pregnany and joyous... something like "one in every 5 women will experience a miscarriage or abnormal pregnancy" and I remember cringing and praying that I wouldn't be that statistic. WELL I AM.

Some people say "at least you know you can get pregnant!" - which is true. Yes, YAY! I can get pregnant! But can I STAY pregnant? I mean... being pregnant and then LOSING the baby basically cancels out the matter on if you can get pregnant or not. Because why does it matter if you can't create a family with your spouse?

I can't get pregnant for a few more months anyway which is even MORE like a little slap. Even if we wanted to we couldn't try right now.

Every day this whole thing eats me up just a little bit more. I try to not let it consume me because thats lame, but i'm having a pity party tonight.