Positive Thoughts!

Could it be??? Could I actually start to have a little bit of a positive attitude again??!! Haha, yes, it is true :)

Well, the truth is, I don't always have bitterness, sadness and anger in my heart. Unfortunately when I do is when I write here, which is all you see of me. I am actually, in general, a very happy person. I love to laugh, joke around, be goofy and have fun in pretty much every situation. But when I'm down about something, I get pretty down. I have GAD (General Anxiety Disorder) that used to interfer with my every day life. I take medication for that and although I still get super anxious about some things - it's a lot better. Most people would be shocked to know what an anxious person I am because I know I don't come across that way, unless you know me very well.

Lately I have felt better. Lawrence and I were having a conversation one night and i was explaining to him that although I do want to try again once my thyroid is balanced, I still feel sad for the pregnancy I had. I wanted THAT baby. I wanted that due date in August (even though I actually think August birthdays suck...). He flat out told me that was never our baby to have. Unfortunately, the way things went, it was never meant to be and it would have never happened. It's not biologically possible. Of course all these things i know, but when I get so wrapped up into these thoughts I forget this. I know that he has been through a lot and had a lot of pain too. He admits it is very different for him being a man, but not any less pain. He has been the best supporter and an excellent voice of reason. I can't help but look at him and think about what a wonderful man I married. He talks things out with me - he respects how I feel about everything and always listens before he comments on how I'm feeling. I have never felt like I clicked with someone in my life how I click with him... he is truly my best friend in life.

Tonight we were discussing this past weekend and how two of my very best friends visited. He said he was happy that I got to spend time with my friends and he really wants me to make a few friends here. He knows I am hesistant to do so, but I agree with him. I told him that I honestly didn't think I needed to find any new friends because I truly just feel that he is my best friend. Although when my girlfriends came to visit I realized I REALLLLY miss girl time lol. And the stupid silly things we talk and laugh about. I still think I am lucky to be married to someone who will talk about girly things with me. I show him all my make up and perfume and clothes and shoes that I buy and explain with detail about each thing. I know he's like WTF STFU IDC IDK but the fact he sits there and acts interested means the world to me. When he starts rattling off pieces of engineering information and math formulas (vomit) and about concrete beams... I think about the undivided unattention he gives me and I remember to give back to him what he gives to me.

So BAAASICALLY what i'm saying is - although this whole thing has seemed unreal and devestating - it has brought our marriage to a level I didn't know existed. It has made me realize that mud on the carpet - clothes left on the floor - toothpaste left on the countertop the day after i cleaned it - aren't really a big deal at all. And i'll happily clean up behind him because i'm that anal and OCD and like sparkly shiny things :) Today I was thinking as I was wiping toothpaste off the countertop that I actually WANT to do things like that - he works so hard to support us that I want to take care of him and be the best "housewife".

Don't get it twisted, I'm looking for the right job - something that will make me happy and pay me more than minimum wage. I am lucky in that we have adjusted our lifestyle so I don't have to work, but I like to shop a lot and save a little :) But my main job is taking care of Lawrence and hoping that he is happy every day. I'm lucky to have met my best friend at 19 and that we have made it this far and continue to grow closer and closer. The more I think about it (and the older I get) I realize that we really did grow up together and i can't WAIT to be 75 and looking back at our 25 year old (he would have been 28 then lol) selves <3