Just sad.

The title says it all. I know it the outside world it probably seems like forever ago that I was pregnant - then had a D&C - then had the ectopic pregnancy treatment etc. But for me, it doesn't feel that long ago. I'm not sad every day. I have my moments of sadness and right now is kind of one of them.

Here is the thing - I know some people (a cousin of mine, one of my best friends etc) that just LOVE children. They are great with all children! I am not really one of those people. When I was younger, I definitely was, but now that I am older I'm not just into the kiddy/baby stuff. I wish I was more like it, I really try to be. So for me talks of fertility treatments, adoption etc just upset me beyond... I dont even know.

First of all, this was my first time being pregnant. It has traumatized me. I loved being pregnant, I felt really good - I was just tired, but other than that I really did feel great. It breaks my heart.

Second of all, I truly feel like if God wants us to have a family he will make it happen.

Third of all, if my thyroid levels could get to the CORRECT levels, we would start trying again. I would continue with my life and get off these fucking birth control pills I despire so much. I've never been one to obssess over many things - and for some reason I wouldn't obssess over ovulation etc. It's just not in my personality. Don't get me wrong, I'm a VERY anxious person and obsess over other things; I just can't see myself obsessing over that.

I feel sad for us. For our baby. I feel like I'm a fake. Like I can't legitmately say I was pregnant. My heart just hurts and will ALWAYS have a hole for the baby Martinez I never got to meet. It just shatters me :(

Last night one of my best friends came to town and we all went out and had a great time. Today I was okay - but I just didn't feel right. I wasn't sure why and literally as i'm trying to fall asleep I just figured it out. I feel like I should be pregnant right now. I can't stand the sight of women who are 15-17 weeks pregnant right now. It makes me want to throw up to just think thats where I could be in my life right now. Easter doesn't help either. Sometimes i even feel like a freak show that has been put on display or something. I regret posting my blog to my facebook because I no longer feel like myself and I at least other people want to view me as the same person.

I cannot say it enough - I never thought this would happen to me. I feel like everyone is blaming me or thinks I could have done something different to change this outcome. I know better but these stupid feelings... I SWEAR! I should probably just stay premanently drunk because that seems to make me happy ha ha!

IF I ever become successfully pregnant again, I know I will just appreciate whatever God gives us more than anyone else in this world could.

I hate that I'll cry myself to sleep tonight. And I hate that I'll never get to know our little "bean" who we loved so much before we even knew anything. I found a note I left for Lawrence before he left back to College Station (obviously before we moved here) and it said "Have a great day, we love you forever and ever - Lovies and Bean". I had to throw it away, I can't keep reminders around.

I know I sound like a crazy woman and I SWEAR most of the time I'm okay, but right now I'm just sad and my heart hurts. I don't really think anyone reads my blog and that's fine with me - this is a great way to get my feelings out and vent.

I just hope my thyroid gets leveled out. I have to go get my yearly women's exam and that always scares me. Ignorance was bliss.