There is nothing wrong with me - I am NOT defective.

Royally fucked? Suppose thats the best way.

Sometimes, I feel like I have royally fucked myself in the asshole. I have no idea what I want out of life, what kind of job I want, what my passions are (passion is - I'd take just one!) and where to begin. I love designer labels - fancier things in life. Expensive things. I would LOVE to do PR in that type of biz. But I'm a realist (sometimes) and I've come to the realization that College Station, TX is the not exactly the hub of high fashion (not just clothes, accessories etc, but also home design etc). Overall, the bubble of life I want to lead is being a mother. I think. I mean, I don't really know because I've never done it. However, I do know that I love family. I love all my family, even if we don't speak a lot, see each other a lot or even have a lot in common. I love family. Part of my dream is to be similar to my Mamaw - the best grandmother ever. Howeeeever, in the meantime I want to find something fulfulling. Don't even MENTION a word about teaching. Seriously, stop right there. But i'd like to find something where I can help people, get to KNOW people and learn from people. In the mean time, I'm working on myself - my listening abilities (or lack thereof) over all people skills and how to stay genuine to myself. That is a real challenge these days. When I find my niche here - money or no money - I'm going to get my tattoo. I hate the word tattoo because it has such a stigma to it but I can promise the ink going into my skin is releasing pain and suffering I have felt since April 19.

P.S.

this is the only time i will let myself be negative - 2012 SUUUCKS! Losing a pregnancy - during Christmas - and then losing my baby Gracie 3 days after my birthday, who helped me through such a loss. However, I am thankful for my amazing family and friends. All I can say is - we may not be ballin out of control, but money does NOT buy you happiness. In fact I have learned that money couldn't even save my beloved Gracie. So for all the materialistic people out there- realize that it doesn't really mean anything. I just want my baby back.

The best gift...

This year has been full of struggles. In between those struggles have been blessings, but I've hit another struggle. About 5 days ago I noticed our blue heeler, Gracie, seemed under the weather. So I took her to the vet in which they did bloodwork and perscribed her some antibiotics. After a few days I knew she should have been recovering (I am a certified vet tech although I haven't done that in years!) so I knew something wasn't right. Over the period of 2 days she went down hill quickly. She had trouble breathing and overall was not herself. She lost her appetite (VERY odd for her, she would eat cardboard if i let her... in fact i think she has!), was very lethargic and almost depressed seeming. Weds night i was very concerned, I had a gut feeling that there was something more going on than a little infection. She couldn't get on the couch by herself anymore and I was hand feeding her. I was praying and begging God that by the morning she would be a little better after some rest. When I woke up I could hear her panting and knew that wasn't the case. She could hardly walk out the door in which I had to carry her the rest of the way to the car. This was absolutely heart breaking. So I took her back into the vet and they did x-rays which revealed what I feared the most and was NOT expecting. She had cancer that had spread throughout her abdomen and fluid had gathered in her chest/abdomen which had actually pushed her heart over. The tumors were growing in her lungs which is why she was having such a hard time breathing. As soon as I saw the x-ray I knew it was not good. They said we could do ultrasounds, asperate the fluid but the fluid was more than likely blood because she was very anemic. I did NOT want to put her through that because she does not like going to the vets and I knew that even if we did all of that it wouldn't save her life. If I thought it would give her another week... another day... another year... I would have done it. But that wasn't the case. For the first time in my life, money was no object, I was ready, willing, and had thousands available to shell out for my baby. Money and medicine could not save her and that is the worst feeling ever. For those of who didn't know Gracie - or may not know me - she was my shadow. I adopted her when she was 3 years old. she had heart worms in which we treated her for and she was literally attached to my hip. She has been with me through so much. Depression, anxiety, lose of a pregnancy - anything that happened she would lay in the bed with me and cuddle me and give me the ultimate comfort and unconditional love. What hurts the most is I didn't see this coming. 2 weeks ago she appeared to be normal. I never thought this day would come so soon and like this. she was only 10/11 years old. Because we adopted her we are not sure of her exact age. I know for some people a dog is a pet- but she was my child. We had a unique relationship and I swear she was human. I can honestly say - losing a pregnancy, going through taht medical treatment was so difficult, but this hurts my heart in a deeper way. What I would give to have one last cuddle with her. Of course, I would never want that last cuddle to end. I held her until the very end and walking away from her was the most heart breaking thing I have done. I dont know how i'm going to sleep tonight. I can barely stop crying. I look like the psychopath at the grocery store crying. My mom has been amazing and took her crate back to her house because I just couldnt see it. She slept next to me in it every night. I had been staying at my parents house for a few weeks in which we snuggled in bed every night. I am so glad I had that time with her. I kept her leash and collar because I just can't let go of that. I also saved her blanket she slept on and I didn't let my mom wash it. I dont even want to wash the clothes i'm wearing today because i know it has her fur on it. I didn't know this sense of loss. After moving to college station she was all i had other than my husband. we have three cats that i love to death as well, but you can ask anyone and gracie was "my" dog. I figured she'd live to be at least 15. My heart is sooo broken. I don't know how to move on or to wrap my head around the idea I wont see her again. I keep thinking I hear her and waiting for her to come around the corner. she had her spot on the couch and i look over at it and it looks so empty and sad, which is how my heart feels. My grieving is the most physically painful thing. My heart literally hurts. I wasn't ready to let go - but I knew it was the best thing for her. By the time we got to the clinic she couldn't walk on her own. they said when they did x-rays her gums became very pale and she couldn't breathe. I thought about taking her home for one more night - i wish i had but i know it would be torture for her and me. I just needed her to not be in pain anymore. I feel so sorry for the people closest to me. I don't know when I will be myself again or when I will stop crying. Everyone keeps saying I saved her - but they don't know that she saved me from so much more. I will love her forever and not a day will go by that i don't think of her. I just hope instead of tears I will smile.

Just sad.

The title says it all. I know it the outside world it probably seems like forever ago that I was pregnant - then had a D&C - then had the ectopic pregnancy treatment etc. But for me, it doesn't feel that long ago. I'm not sad every day. I have my moments of sadness and right now is kind of one of them.

Here is the thing - I know some people (a cousin of mine, one of my best friends etc) that just LOVE children. They are great with all children! I am not really one of those people. When I was younger, I definitely was, but now that I am older I'm not just into the kiddy/baby stuff. I wish I was more like it, I really try to be. So for me talks of fertility treatments, adoption etc just upset me beyond... I dont even know.

First of all, this was my first time being pregnant. It has traumatized me. I loved being pregnant, I felt really good - I was just tired, but other than that I really did feel great. It breaks my heart.

Second of all, I truly feel like if God wants us to have a family he will make it happen.

Third of all, if my thyroid levels could get to the CORRECT levels, we would start trying again. I would continue with my life and get off these fucking birth control pills I despire so much. I've never been one to obssess over many things - and for some reason I wouldn't obssess over ovulation etc. It's just not in my personality. Don't get me wrong, I'm a VERY anxious person and obsess over other things; I just can't see myself obsessing over that.

I feel sad for us. For our baby. I feel like I'm a fake. Like I can't legitmately say I was pregnant. My heart just hurts and will ALWAYS have a hole for the baby Martinez I never got to meet. It just shatters me :(

Last night one of my best friends came to town and we all went out and had a great time. Today I was okay - but I just didn't feel right. I wasn't sure why and literally as i'm trying to fall asleep I just figured it out. I feel like I should be pregnant right now. I can't stand the sight of women who are 15-17 weeks pregnant right now. It makes me want to throw up to just think thats where I could be in my life right now. Easter doesn't help either. Sometimes i even feel like a freak show that has been put on display or something. I regret posting my blog to my facebook because I no longer feel like myself and I at least other people want to view me as the same person.

I cannot say it enough - I never thought this would happen to me. I feel like everyone is blaming me or thinks I could have done something different to change this outcome. I know better but these stupid feelings... I SWEAR! I should probably just stay premanently drunk because that seems to make me happy ha ha!

IF I ever become successfully pregnant again, I know I will just appreciate whatever God gives us more than anyone else in this world could.

I hate that I'll cry myself to sleep tonight. And I hate that I'll never get to know our little "bean" who we loved so much before we even knew anything. I found a note I left for Lawrence before he left back to College Station (obviously before we moved here) and it said "Have a great day, we love you forever and ever - Lovies and Bean". I had to throw it away, I can't keep reminders around.

I know I sound like a crazy woman and I SWEAR most of the time I'm okay, but right now I'm just sad and my heart hurts. I don't really think anyone reads my blog and that's fine with me - this is a great way to get my feelings out and vent.

I just hope my thyroid gets leveled out. I have to go get my yearly women's exam and that always scares me. Ignorance was bliss.

New Chapter!

I would have to say that moving to College Station is one of the best decisions we have ever made. I needed a change of environment in every kind of way. It's like having a fresh start.

Unfortunately our condo will always remind me of the day I found out I was pregnant and how excited I became. It will also always remind me of utter devestation. I literally have not ugly cried like that in my entire life. I have never felt so broken down, depressed... I can't even describe the heart my hurt felt and still does feel when I think about it.

But being in a new place is kind of like letting go of that and on to a new beginning. I pray every night that we never have to go through something like that again because I just don't know if I can handle it. I'm so scared of that happening again that i don't want to try again. I have to go back to the doctor hte beginning of april and get 5 million tests done to make sure everything is okay... my thyroid, ovarian cysts, hormone levels and then i'll probably have an hsg test just to make sure my tubes aren't blocked. And if they are... then oh well they are. I don't know if i want fertility treatments. I personally feel like its messing with nature. But we'll see, i'm jumping way ahead of myself.

As for now, I am going to enjoy every minute with Lawrence and continue to try and get healthy :)

Positive Thoughts!

Could it be??? Could I actually start to have a little bit of a positive attitude again??!! Haha, yes, it is true :)

Well, the truth is, I don't always have bitterness, sadness and anger in my heart. Unfortunately when I do is when I write here, which is all you see of me. I am actually, in general, a very happy person. I love to laugh, joke around, be goofy and have fun in pretty much every situation. But when I'm down about something, I get pretty down. I have GAD (General Anxiety Disorder) that used to interfer with my every day life. I take medication for that and although I still get super anxious about some things - it's a lot better. Most people would be shocked to know what an anxious person I am because I know I don't come across that way, unless you know me very well.

Lately I have felt better. Lawrence and I were having a conversation one night and i was explaining to him that although I do want to try again once my thyroid is balanced, I still feel sad for the pregnancy I had. I wanted THAT baby. I wanted that due date in August (even though I actually think August birthdays suck...). He flat out told me that was never our baby to have. Unfortunately, the way things went, it was never meant to be and it would have never happened. It's not biologically possible. Of course all these things i know, but when I get so wrapped up into these thoughts I forget this. I know that he has been through a lot and had a lot of pain too. He admits it is very different for him being a man, but not any less pain. He has been the best supporter and an excellent voice of reason. I can't help but look at him and think about what a wonderful man I married. He talks things out with me - he respects how I feel about everything and always listens before he comments on how I'm feeling. I have never felt like I clicked with someone in my life how I click with him... he is truly my best friend in life.

Tonight we were discussing this past weekend and how two of my very best friends visited. He said he was happy that I got to spend time with my friends and he really wants me to make a few friends here. He knows I am hesistant to do so, but I agree with him. I told him that I honestly didn't think I needed to find any new friends because I truly just feel that he is my best friend. Although when my girlfriends came to visit I realized I REALLLLY miss girl time lol. And the stupid silly things we talk and laugh about. I still think I am lucky to be married to someone who will talk about girly things with me. I show him all my make up and perfume and clothes and shoes that I buy and explain with detail about each thing. I know he's like WTF STFU IDC IDK but the fact he sits there and acts interested means the world to me. When he starts rattling off pieces of engineering information and math formulas (vomit) and about concrete beams... I think about the undivided unattention he gives me and I remember to give back to him what he gives to me.

So BAAASICALLY what i'm saying is - although this whole thing has seemed unreal and devestating - it has brought our marriage to a level I didn't know existed. It has made me realize that mud on the carpet - clothes left on the floor - toothpaste left on the countertop the day after i cleaned it - aren't really a big deal at all. And i'll happily clean up behind him because i'm that anal and OCD and like sparkly shiny things :) Today I was thinking as I was wiping toothpaste off the countertop that I actually WANT to do things like that - he works so hard to support us that I want to take care of him and be the best "housewife".

Don't get it twisted, I'm looking for the right job - something that will make me happy and pay me more than minimum wage. I am lucky in that we have adjusted our lifestyle so I don't have to work, but I like to shop a lot and save a little :) But my main job is taking care of Lawrence and hoping that he is happy every day. I'm lucky to have met my best friend at 19 and that we have made it this far and continue to grow closer and closer. The more I think about it (and the older I get) I realize that we really did grow up together and i can't WAIT to be 75 and looking back at our 25 year old (he would have been 28 then lol) selves <3