Delayed reaction??

This time next weekend we will be loading up a truck to move or hopefully already doing the whole moving in process to a small town about 2 hours outside of Houston. We pick up the keys on our new pretty apartment Feb 17th. I'm so happy we will be together for Lawrence's birthday, our anniversary and my upcoming birthday.

I am scared to leave Houston because I don't really know anything else... and leaving my family, friends etc. Honestly, I miss Lawrence so much that it is definitely worth it and I wouldn't have it any other way. I realized wherever he is is where my heart is.

I have really been struggling the past few days. I feel sad about all the things that have happened over the past couple months. I look at pictures before I found out I was pregnant and just want to cry. I feel like I was so normal then, I didn't know what a sadness like this felt. I looked so HAPPY and carefree. I was!

I feel changed. I'm no longer the same person and that scares me. I take things more to heart now - little comments about pregnant women, pregnancy, babies, being a mom etc are very hard for me to hear. When people say "oh you don't understand this until you become a mother..." or "no one understand until they've had kids..." or "only if you've been pregnant can you relate!" it really really reallly really (have i emphasized that enough?) hurts my heart and just makes me want to break down. Working around women all day hasn't helped that either because personally, I feel robbed.

Being away from Lawrence doesn't make this any easier. I have been so strong throughout this whole thing. I've felt angry and a little bitter, but overall I could tell myself everything happens for a reason and I'm lucky to be alive. Now I think i'm getting to the whole grieving thing? It's a very emotional time for me too... leaving the place I pretty much grew up in.

My hormone levels are back down to zero so I can no longer blame hormones. As much as I didn't want to, I've been put on birth control because I started bleeding A LOT (I thought I was going to bleed to death! it was not pretty!) and that seems to have helped.

I also can't take anyone asking when/if we are going to try again. I don't want to talk about it with anyone but Lawrence. We DO want to try again but I don't know when. I'm so scared at the thought of it, I can't go through this again.

I'm ready for this move, for a change and to be with the love of my life. I miss him so much during the week it's painful. He really does complete me. I had my last day at work yesterday and while I am sad because I loved the people I worked with, I'm ready for a fresh start.

I hate feeling so sad, being so sensitive about baby talk and mommyhood talk - it's very unlike me, but I can't help it : ( waaaah!