There is nothing wrong with me - I am NOT defective.

Royally fucked? Suppose thats the best way.

Sometimes, I feel like I have royally fucked myself in the asshole. I have no idea what I want out of life, what kind of job I want, what my passions are (passion is - I'd take just one!) and where to begin. I love designer labels - fancier things in life. Expensive things. I would LOVE to do PR in that type of biz. But I'm a realist (sometimes) and I've come to the realization that College Station, TX is the not exactly the hub of high fashion (not just clothes, accessories etc, but also home design etc). Overall, the bubble of life I want to lead is being a mother. I think. I mean, I don't really know because I've never done it. However, I do know that I love family. I love all my family, even if we don't speak a lot, see each other a lot or even have a lot in common. I love family. Part of my dream is to be similar to my Mamaw - the best grandmother ever. Howeeeever, in the meantime I want to find something fulfulling. Don't even MENTION a word about teaching. Seriously, stop right there. But i'd like to find something where I can help people, get to KNOW people and learn from people. In the mean time, I'm working on myself - my listening abilities (or lack thereof) over all people skills and how to stay genuine to myself. That is a real challenge these days. When I find my niche here - money or no money - I'm going to get my tattoo. I hate the word tattoo because it has such a stigma to it but I can promise the ink going into my skin is releasing pain and suffering I have felt since April 19.

P.S.

this is the only time i will let myself be negative - 2012 SUUUCKS! Losing a pregnancy - during Christmas - and then losing my baby Gracie 3 days after my birthday, who helped me through such a loss. However, I am thankful for my amazing family and friends. All I can say is - we may not be ballin out of control, but money does NOT buy you happiness. In fact I have learned that money couldn't even save my beloved Gracie. So for all the materialistic people out there- realize that it doesn't really mean anything. I just want my baby back.

The best gift...

This year has been full of struggles. In between those struggles have been blessings, but I've hit another struggle. About 5 days ago I noticed our blue heeler, Gracie, seemed under the weather. So I took her to the vet in which they did bloodwork and perscribed her some antibiotics. After a few days I knew she should have been recovering (I am a certified vet tech although I haven't done that in years!) so I knew something wasn't right. Over the period of 2 days she went down hill quickly. She had trouble breathing and overall was not herself. She lost her appetite (VERY odd for her, she would eat cardboard if i let her... in fact i think she has!), was very lethargic and almost depressed seeming. Weds night i was very concerned, I had a gut feeling that there was something more going on than a little infection. She couldn't get on the couch by herself anymore and I was hand feeding her. I was praying and begging God that by the morning she would be a little better after some rest. When I woke up I could hear her panting and knew that wasn't the case. She could hardly walk out the door in which I had to carry her the rest of the way to the car. This was absolutely heart breaking. So I took her back into the vet and they did x-rays which revealed what I feared the most and was NOT expecting. She had cancer that had spread throughout her abdomen and fluid had gathered in her chest/abdomen which had actually pushed her heart over. The tumors were growing in her lungs which is why she was having such a hard time breathing. As soon as I saw the x-ray I knew it was not good. They said we could do ultrasounds, asperate the fluid but the fluid was more than likely blood because she was very anemic. I did NOT want to put her through that because she does not like going to the vets and I knew that even if we did all of that it wouldn't save her life. If I thought it would give her another week... another day... another year... I would have done it. But that wasn't the case. For the first time in my life, money was no object, I was ready, willing, and had thousands available to shell out for my baby. Money and medicine could not save her and that is the worst feeling ever. For those of who didn't know Gracie - or may not know me - she was my shadow. I adopted her when she was 3 years old. she had heart worms in which we treated her for and she was literally attached to my hip. She has been with me through so much. Depression, anxiety, lose of a pregnancy - anything that happened she would lay in the bed with me and cuddle me and give me the ultimate comfort and unconditional love. What hurts the most is I didn't see this coming. 2 weeks ago she appeared to be normal. I never thought this day would come so soon and like this. she was only 10/11 years old. Because we adopted her we are not sure of her exact age. I know for some people a dog is a pet- but she was my child. We had a unique relationship and I swear she was human. I can honestly say - losing a pregnancy, going through taht medical treatment was so difficult, but this hurts my heart in a deeper way. What I would give to have one last cuddle with her. Of course, I would never want that last cuddle to end. I held her until the very end and walking away from her was the most heart breaking thing I have done. I dont know how i'm going to sleep tonight. I can barely stop crying. I look like the psychopath at the grocery store crying. My mom has been amazing and took her crate back to her house because I just couldnt see it. She slept next to me in it every night. I had been staying at my parents house for a few weeks in which we snuggled in bed every night. I am so glad I had that time with her. I kept her leash and collar because I just can't let go of that. I also saved her blanket she slept on and I didn't let my mom wash it. I dont even want to wash the clothes i'm wearing today because i know it has her fur on it. I didn't know this sense of loss. After moving to college station she was all i had other than my husband. we have three cats that i love to death as well, but you can ask anyone and gracie was "my" dog. I figured she'd live to be at least 15. My heart is sooo broken. I don't know how to move on or to wrap my head around the idea I wont see her again. I keep thinking I hear her and waiting for her to come around the corner. she had her spot on the couch and i look over at it and it looks so empty and sad, which is how my heart feels. My grieving is the most physically painful thing. My heart literally hurts. I wasn't ready to let go - but I knew it was the best thing for her. By the time we got to the clinic she couldn't walk on her own. they said when they did x-rays her gums became very pale and she couldn't breathe. I thought about taking her home for one more night - i wish i had but i know it would be torture for her and me. I just needed her to not be in pain anymore. I feel so sorry for the people closest to me. I don't know when I will be myself again or when I will stop crying. Everyone keeps saying I saved her - but they don't know that she saved me from so much more. I will love her forever and not a day will go by that i don't think of her. I just hope instead of tears I will smile.

Just sad.

The title says it all. I know it the outside world it probably seems like forever ago that I was pregnant - then had a D&C - then had the ectopic pregnancy treatment etc. But for me, it doesn't feel that long ago. I'm not sad every day. I have my moments of sadness and right now is kind of one of them.

Here is the thing - I know some people (a cousin of mine, one of my best friends etc) that just LOVE children. They are great with all children! I am not really one of those people. When I was younger, I definitely was, but now that I am older I'm not just into the kiddy/baby stuff. I wish I was more like it, I really try to be. So for me talks of fertility treatments, adoption etc just upset me beyond... I dont even know.

First of all, this was my first time being pregnant. It has traumatized me. I loved being pregnant, I felt really good - I was just tired, but other than that I really did feel great. It breaks my heart.

Second of all, I truly feel like if God wants us to have a family he will make it happen.

Third of all, if my thyroid levels could get to the CORRECT levels, we would start trying again. I would continue with my life and get off these fucking birth control pills I despire so much. I've never been one to obssess over many things - and for some reason I wouldn't obssess over ovulation etc. It's just not in my personality. Don't get me wrong, I'm a VERY anxious person and obsess over other things; I just can't see myself obsessing over that.

I feel sad for us. For our baby. I feel like I'm a fake. Like I can't legitmately say I was pregnant. My heart just hurts and will ALWAYS have a hole for the baby Martinez I never got to meet. It just shatters me :(

Last night one of my best friends came to town and we all went out and had a great time. Today I was okay - but I just didn't feel right. I wasn't sure why and literally as i'm trying to fall asleep I just figured it out. I feel like I should be pregnant right now. I can't stand the sight of women who are 15-17 weeks pregnant right now. It makes me want to throw up to just think thats where I could be in my life right now. Easter doesn't help either. Sometimes i even feel like a freak show that has been put on display or something. I regret posting my blog to my facebook because I no longer feel like myself and I at least other people want to view me as the same person.

I cannot say it enough - I never thought this would happen to me. I feel like everyone is blaming me or thinks I could have done something different to change this outcome. I know better but these stupid feelings... I SWEAR! I should probably just stay premanently drunk because that seems to make me happy ha ha!

IF I ever become successfully pregnant again, I know I will just appreciate whatever God gives us more than anyone else in this world could.

I hate that I'll cry myself to sleep tonight. And I hate that I'll never get to know our little "bean" who we loved so much before we even knew anything. I found a note I left for Lawrence before he left back to College Station (obviously before we moved here) and it said "Have a great day, we love you forever and ever - Lovies and Bean". I had to throw it away, I can't keep reminders around.

I know I sound like a crazy woman and I SWEAR most of the time I'm okay, but right now I'm just sad and my heart hurts. I don't really think anyone reads my blog and that's fine with me - this is a great way to get my feelings out and vent.

I just hope my thyroid gets leveled out. I have to go get my yearly women's exam and that always scares me. Ignorance was bliss.

New Chapter!

I would have to say that moving to College Station is one of the best decisions we have ever made. I needed a change of environment in every kind of way. It's like having a fresh start.

Unfortunately our condo will always remind me of the day I found out I was pregnant and how excited I became. It will also always remind me of utter devestation. I literally have not ugly cried like that in my entire life. I have never felt so broken down, depressed... I can't even describe the heart my hurt felt and still does feel when I think about it.

But being in a new place is kind of like letting go of that and on to a new beginning. I pray every night that we never have to go through something like that again because I just don't know if I can handle it. I'm so scared of that happening again that i don't want to try again. I have to go back to the doctor hte beginning of april and get 5 million tests done to make sure everything is okay... my thyroid, ovarian cysts, hormone levels and then i'll probably have an hsg test just to make sure my tubes aren't blocked. And if they are... then oh well they are. I don't know if i want fertility treatments. I personally feel like its messing with nature. But we'll see, i'm jumping way ahead of myself.

As for now, I am going to enjoy every minute with Lawrence and continue to try and get healthy :)

Positive Thoughts!

Could it be??? Could I actually start to have a little bit of a positive attitude again??!! Haha, yes, it is true :)

Well, the truth is, I don't always have bitterness, sadness and anger in my heart. Unfortunately when I do is when I write here, which is all you see of me. I am actually, in general, a very happy person. I love to laugh, joke around, be goofy and have fun in pretty much every situation. But when I'm down about something, I get pretty down. I have GAD (General Anxiety Disorder) that used to interfer with my every day life. I take medication for that and although I still get super anxious about some things - it's a lot better. Most people would be shocked to know what an anxious person I am because I know I don't come across that way, unless you know me very well.

Lately I have felt better. Lawrence and I were having a conversation one night and i was explaining to him that although I do want to try again once my thyroid is balanced, I still feel sad for the pregnancy I had. I wanted THAT baby. I wanted that due date in August (even though I actually think August birthdays suck...). He flat out told me that was never our baby to have. Unfortunately, the way things went, it was never meant to be and it would have never happened. It's not biologically possible. Of course all these things i know, but when I get so wrapped up into these thoughts I forget this. I know that he has been through a lot and had a lot of pain too. He admits it is very different for him being a man, but not any less pain. He has been the best supporter and an excellent voice of reason. I can't help but look at him and think about what a wonderful man I married. He talks things out with me - he respects how I feel about everything and always listens before he comments on how I'm feeling. I have never felt like I clicked with someone in my life how I click with him... he is truly my best friend in life.

Tonight we were discussing this past weekend and how two of my very best friends visited. He said he was happy that I got to spend time with my friends and he really wants me to make a few friends here. He knows I am hesistant to do so, but I agree with him. I told him that I honestly didn't think I needed to find any new friends because I truly just feel that he is my best friend. Although when my girlfriends came to visit I realized I REALLLLY miss girl time lol. And the stupid silly things we talk and laugh about. I still think I am lucky to be married to someone who will talk about girly things with me. I show him all my make up and perfume and clothes and shoes that I buy and explain with detail about each thing. I know he's like WTF STFU IDC IDK but the fact he sits there and acts interested means the world to me. When he starts rattling off pieces of engineering information and math formulas (vomit) and about concrete beams... I think about the undivided unattention he gives me and I remember to give back to him what he gives to me.

So BAAASICALLY what i'm saying is - although this whole thing has seemed unreal and devestating - it has brought our marriage to a level I didn't know existed. It has made me realize that mud on the carpet - clothes left on the floor - toothpaste left on the countertop the day after i cleaned it - aren't really a big deal at all. And i'll happily clean up behind him because i'm that anal and OCD and like sparkly shiny things :) Today I was thinking as I was wiping toothpaste off the countertop that I actually WANT to do things like that - he works so hard to support us that I want to take care of him and be the best "housewife".

Don't get it twisted, I'm looking for the right job - something that will make me happy and pay me more than minimum wage. I am lucky in that we have adjusted our lifestyle so I don't have to work, but I like to shop a lot and save a little :) But my main job is taking care of Lawrence and hoping that he is happy every day. I'm lucky to have met my best friend at 19 and that we have made it this far and continue to grow closer and closer. The more I think about it (and the older I get) I realize that we really did grow up together and i can't WAIT to be 75 and looking back at our 25 year old (he would have been 28 then lol) selves <3

Merp.

Let's say you found out you were pregnant, lost the baby and then at least FOUR women you knew had roughly the same due date as you... How would you feel? I'm really curious.

Because I feel SAD. And MAD. And BITTER. But, mainly sad :(

I have been crying on and off today. As I sit here and right this, I have tears streaming down my face. It's so hard. I know everything happens for a reason, I know people go through situations a million times worse... I know! But that doesn't remove the ache and hole in my heart :(

Ultimately I am really happy for them. Really, I am! I wouldn't want anyone to feel how I feel. It's horrible to have such little self worth. However, I can't talk about them, their pregnancy, anything. One girl (I watched her on youtube) found out right as I found out I was going to have the "treatment" and I even deleted her from my facebook and youtube. Everything is BABY PREGNANCY BABY PREGNANCY and its just a HUGE slap in the face at what I failed at (Youtube still keeps posting these lovely pregnancy vlogs even though I UNSUBSCRIBED - very funny!). I don't hold it against them, but man does it hurt.

I really dislike being that statistic I read when I was first pregnany and joyous... something like "one in every 5 women will experience a miscarriage or abnormal pregnancy" and I remember cringing and praying that I wouldn't be that statistic. WELL I AM.

Some people say "at least you know you can get pregnant!" - which is true. Yes, YAY! I can get pregnant! But can I STAY pregnant? I mean... being pregnant and then LOSING the baby basically cancels out the matter on if you can get pregnant or not. Because why does it matter if you can't create a family with your spouse?

I can't get pregnant for a few more months anyway which is even MORE like a little slap. Even if we wanted to we couldn't try right now.

Every day this whole thing eats me up just a little bit more. I try to not let it consume me because thats lame, but i'm having a pity party tonight.

Delayed reaction??

This time next weekend we will be loading up a truck to move or hopefully already doing the whole moving in process to a small town about 2 hours outside of Houston. We pick up the keys on our new pretty apartment Feb 17th. I'm so happy we will be together for Lawrence's birthday, our anniversary and my upcoming birthday.

I am scared to leave Houston because I don't really know anything else... and leaving my family, friends etc. Honestly, I miss Lawrence so much that it is definitely worth it and I wouldn't have it any other way. I realized wherever he is is where my heart is.

I have really been struggling the past few days. I feel sad about all the things that have happened over the past couple months. I look at pictures before I found out I was pregnant and just want to cry. I feel like I was so normal then, I didn't know what a sadness like this felt. I looked so HAPPY and carefree. I was!

I feel changed. I'm no longer the same person and that scares me. I take things more to heart now - little comments about pregnant women, pregnancy, babies, being a mom etc are very hard for me to hear. When people say "oh you don't understand this until you become a mother..." or "no one understand until they've had kids..." or "only if you've been pregnant can you relate!" it really really reallly really (have i emphasized that enough?) hurts my heart and just makes me want to break down. Working around women all day hasn't helped that either because personally, I feel robbed.

Being away from Lawrence doesn't make this any easier. I have been so strong throughout this whole thing. I've felt angry and a little bitter, but overall I could tell myself everything happens for a reason and I'm lucky to be alive. Now I think i'm getting to the whole grieving thing? It's a very emotional time for me too... leaving the place I pretty much grew up in.

My hormone levels are back down to zero so I can no longer blame hormones. As much as I didn't want to, I've been put on birth control because I started bleeding A LOT (I thought I was going to bleed to death! it was not pretty!) and that seems to have helped.

I also can't take anyone asking when/if we are going to try again. I don't want to talk about it with anyone but Lawrence. We DO want to try again but I don't know when. I'm so scared at the thought of it, I can't go through this again.

I'm ready for this move, for a change and to be with the love of my life. I miss him so much during the week it's painful. He really does complete me. I had my last day at work yesterday and while I am sad because I loved the people I worked with, I'm ready for a fresh start.

I hate feeling so sad, being so sensitive about baby talk and mommyhood talk - it's very unlike me, but I can't help it : ( waaaah!

My Reality - SERIOUSLY?!

It turns out my pregnancy is ectopic - due to my blood work and results from the pathologist. This was surprising, but it was never ruled out.

Monday afternoon after getting bloodwork, I get a phone call from my doctor telling me she wants to treat my pregnancy as an ectopic one. Everything she said made sense and I agreed. The treatment is two injections of a chemotherapy drug. I would go back to the hospital, get the injections and stay for observation. Needless to say, I headed back to the hospital right away. I want to get this over with.

When we get there, we have issues checking in and finding my doctors orders and once we finally get to where we need to bed - they can't make the shot at the hospital i'm at because their "hood" is getting maintenanced in their pharmacy so it would be at least 10PM before the injection even got to the hospital (its about 6pm while this going on). The nurses say I can wait, or come back in the morning. My doctor calls back and says she doesn't want me leaving the hospital without getting the injections. We wanted to stay anyways - but THAT made me nervous.

So the injections come - along with like a 15 page report on all the things that could go wrong and the side effects. I skimmed it and threw it at Lawrence and told him not to let me read anymore information. Once I signed my life away, they came in with the injections - hazmat (SP??) suits and all. The injections weren't bad, it was just the whole idea that was scary.

I was a trooper for the first 12 hours. I was SO ready to leave the hospital that I'm pretty sure I convinced myself I felt fine. I kinda did at the time. However, the next morning I woke up I was not so fine. Horrible abdominal pain, cramping, constipation, trapped gas, sharp gas pains. LOVELY THINGS to be happening! They let me know that if i had stabbing or sharp pains to go to the ER because that could mean the ectopic pregnancy ruptured and I could die from that. So every pain I felt I really thought I was going to die in 5 hours.

Thank God, I didn't die. My pain lasted about 4 days (most peoples lasts weeks WTF - see I told ya'll i'm a tough cookie!) and now most of my pain is gone. My abdomen is sore, i feel bloated and still exhausted. But after the past week I will take these symptoms with a happy smile! I had bloodwork taken on Friday, will go again on Monday to make sure my levels are lowering as they should. If not, I will get another lovely toxic round of injections.

I'm so nervous about everything. I haven't had time to properly grieve our loss and I know that's coming and now i'm scared for that! I do want kids, however, I don't know if I can go through this again. If anyone asks me when we plan on having kids or when I want to get pregnant next I will probably go certifiable insane - thats you're warning :)

I'm slowly starting to at least feel like myself - I think.

I still can't believe this has happened to us and I'm sad. I'm also angry. But I hope each day gets a little easier, as it has so far. AND MY MOTHERF-ING HORMONES BETTER GO DOWN! Haha :) Please just something medically that will go my way!

Baby Martinez

So some of you may be wondering what the heck has been going on with me?! Maybe it’s my facebook statuses, maybe you work with me, or maybe (more than likely) I’m one of your drinking buddies and I have been very MIA lately. At first, I wasn’t going to do this – I was going to keep everything private. However, the more I thought about it, I feel like situations like this need to be talked about. Life is not always a perfect fairy tale the way you want it to turn out.

A few months ago Lawrence got a great job offer for his career working in College Station Monday – Saturday. I got a job at a waxing center (yes, we do Brazilians) that I absolutely loved. We had a great schedule worked out! On the nights when Lawrence wasn’t here I was either out getting drunk, hanging out with girlfriends or having quiet movie nights at home, just depending on my mood. Then when Lawrence was here, we either had romantic nights together, or went out to bars together (notice a pattern? Haha). As much as I didn’t want him working out of town, I felt we were really making the best of the situation and I felt very content with where our lives were.

Right around this time, one of my best friends of LIIIFE had babies. Pretty darn cute babies at that! I have always wanted a large family and lots of kids running around so I was SO delighted to have some little chitlens (children) around. That’s what I thought at least. When it came down to the DUTIES of taking care of babies – I sucked. And I freaked out. The wobbly little heads, burping, the cry that doesn’t tell you what they want, are they hot? Are they cold? Are they hungry? Are they sick? How do you change a diaper? How do you put CLOTHES on a wobbly little thing? What is this spewing out of their mouth? Spit up? Acid reflux (poor thing)? They cry every 2-3 HOURS?! Sleepless nights?? The reality of children really set in. Don’t get me wrong - I love these little angels so much and they are so adorable but due to being an only child and not being raised around babies I had no idea what to expect.

(BFFFF don’t hate me right now.)

A few weeks after the precious little ones were born, I warned Lawrence – I let him know I was veeeery unsure if I wanted to have kids. I love being an Aunt but to have that responsibility?! Jigga what?! It pretty much scared the shit out of me. He was pretty surprised, but could see where I was coming from and assured me to take my time, we are in no hurry and said all the perfect things he normally does (he’s the best)! I recently had lost almost 55 lbs, was rocking some new sexy high heels, buying new clothes and pretty much feeling almost like a Victoria’s Secret model. I realized I’d rather dodge spitting up drunks, guiding roofied drunken people to cabs, examining strange mysterious bruises located all over my body, odd bits and pieces being found in my purse daily from the night before and waking up to exhausted days because I’m still hung over and taste jagerbombs when I burp (just sayin…)!

So it continued… I had such a fucking great schedule. Monday night was $2 drinks if you brought your cup at Pour House Pub, Tuesday was date night with Katie and Janice and hopefully the angels and their mama. Wednesdays consisted of usually a movie night or quiet night at home, Thursday was $5 wrist bands and $1 drinks at Pour House Pub and Friday nights usually involved a stop at my favorite local bar Woodies (RIP). My weekends were reserved for my handsome husband so we could dote on each other.

Then… it happened.
December 23, 2011
I have NO IDEA what makes a person do the things they do. Tuesday was my date night with Katie and Janice. The angels (babies and momma) couldn’t make it, so we were left to fend for ourselves. Katie began to remove nail polish and the smell was GHASTLY. I thought she was using gasoline or some illegal shit to get that glitter nail polish off. I almost left the room, but toughed it out like a true nail polish addict. We hung out a little longer and I headed home. When I got home, I walked through our bathroom and saw a pregnancy test (about a year old) and thought it was a GREAT idea to take it right there and then. At 1AM. By myself. Awesome, right? So I peed on the stick and waited. POSITIVE/NEGATIVE. Are you fucking kidding me right now? How is a test positive/negative you may wonder? It is when the line that is supposed to be crossed for positive, is only half crossed. Therefore, it’s a positive/negative. I flipped out. I have taken many pregnancy tests in my time (hey, we’ve been married 5 years!) and they have all been flat out NEGATIVE. So, I called Lawrence, no answer, texted him to call me asap, then texted my mom to call me asap when she wakes up, nothing bad, I’m not in jail, just call me asap its important. I text my beautiful friend with the babies and sent her the evidence (picture of test results). Her response “girl that looks kinda positive” HAHA I love her! Texted Katie but I think that biatch fell asleep (the night was a blur). I eventually wake Lawrence up and we talked/texted for about 3 hours. Needless to say, no sleeping was done in Martinez household in Houston!

My mom calls me in the morning and I tell her I need at least 4 different pregnancy tests. She is very excited and brings them over immediately. I pee on all the sticks. Digital, crosses, lines etc. They all say positive. I’m happy, scared, not happy, overwhelmed, freaking out, I’m practically an alcoholic, I’ve been smoking a pack of cigarettes about every 3 days (I’m just being real here) but the overall emotion – SHOCK. I am just shocked. So while I’m crying saying “I’m pregnant???” my mom is jumping up and down saying “you’re pregnant!!!” Ha ha ha. Once the shock starts to wear off, I start getting excited. It’s funny how that works – I really thought I didn’t want babies. But when you see that positive and you realize you have a life growing inside of you, a life that you don’t even KNOW yet, but you want to protect it from everything possible, it changes everything. Obviously I immediately stopped drinking/smoking, started taking vitamins, and was very careful about what I ate. The next step – telling almost everyone I knew. I couldn’t keep it inside. I called all my aunts and cousins (from Wyoming to Australia and everywhere in between NO JOKE) and of course my best friends knew. A few of my drinking buddies found out because… well… they’d probably check me into a mental institute if I turned down a drink with any other excuse other than “I’m pregnant”. Lawrence’s immediate family knew. I wanted to tell everyone!

I went and had a blood test done at one of those “Any Lab Tests Now” places (I wonder if that’s who Maury uses?) and had to wait the WHOLE Christmas weekend to figure out exactly how far along I was. When the result came back it said 4 weeks which didn’t seem completely accurate but who really knows. I had been having some cramping/spotting which was concerning me. A family friend who is very knowledgeable in the medical field advised I get in touch with a good ob/gyn, which is what I did. I saw my ob/gyn and she informed me that my symptoms were very common in the first trimester, to relax and take it easy. She also took bloodwork to compare my hcg levels (that pregnancy hormone) and my progesterone (the hormone in which helps the uterus support the pregnancy or some nerdy shit like that). This was on a Wednesday. On Thursday, my doctor’s nurse called me and said my hormones were not rising like they should and my progesterone was a 5.68. A “normal” progesterone level is between 5-20 (I think) – and that is considered a pretty safe pregnancy, but anything below a 5 is an abnormal and not viable pregnancy. She wanted to recheck my blood tomorrow to make sure my levels were rising but perhaps just a little slow. Friday I went back for bloodwork in which due to it being New Years weekend, I have to wait until TUESDAY to get the results. PURE TORTURE.

The weekend was rough. My spotting was worse, I started passing traces of tissue in my urine, I had some cramping but I just didn’t know what was normal and what wasn’t. I felt okay, I was just very worried. I had a bad feeling that I couldn’t let go of. I was trying to be positive and pray, but something didn’t feel right. I’m a worry wart so that’s really nothing different or no surprise there that I would worry all weekend! However, it’s not super awesome to bring in the New Year feeling this way while everyone is writing vomit worthy messages about new beginnings and beer pong.

Tuesday comes… and my doctor calls me at 4:15pm. Yep, I had to wait all FUCKING day. The news is not good. My hormones have not risen and my progesterone was 3.4. Not a viable pregnancy. The hurt my heart felt is indescribable. I wanted to throw up. I cannot even begin to think of words to describe this. She let me know I needed to go for an ultrasound and then schedule a d&c based on the ultrasound results. My mom is a lifesaver and scheduled everything for me because there was no way I could even breathe much less speak. This was one of the worst days I have ever had. I still feel so extremely sad, a heaviness I didn’t know existed. I am bitter, I get angry at pregnant women. I get angry at crackheads that have healthy babies. I am angry at young families with kids. I’m a pretty horrific person to be around right now. Why me?

So I go for my ultrasound. It’s what you typically think of an ultrasound, but I also had to get a vaginal one. OH MOTHERFUCKING JOY. The technician greeted me with “CONGRATULATIONS! How far along are you? Are you excited?” Obviously the bitch didn’t read my chart. I could tell with the ultrasound there was no heartbeat. I couldn’t see much and pretty much didn’t want to. They were also checking my ovaries or something to make sure it wasn’t an ectopic pregnancy. After the ultrasound, my mom and I left the doctor’s office and started playing the waiting game again. My doctor called me and let me know there is a mass on one of my ovaries; although she does not believe my pregnancy is ectopic. However, because this can be a dangerous condition she wants to make sure. I’m schedule for a d&c tomorrow at 1pm which will see if there is any “conception” tissue in my uterus and I suppose if not I will be treated for the ectopic-ness that is on my ovary.

Google is not your friend.
I googled way too much about ectopic pregnancy. WAY. TOO. MUCH. I feel doomed. I know, I know, I don’t even know what’s going on yet, but I just feel as though everything up until now has not been the news I wanted to hear. I’m afraid we will never have kids and I will never get to experience that joy. I’m scared how it will affect our marriage – Lawrence deserves to have kids and a family. He would really be such a great father. I can’t see my life without him and to not create a family with him would be heartbreaking. As you can see, I jump ahead of myself.

I’m so scared. I feel like such a failure. I never in a million years thought this would happen to me. Retail therapy isn’t even helping. I feel like I have a broken heart that will never be repaired. Damaged goods. I blame myself daily – I should have been taking better care of myself. What am I? An alcoholic????

So now its 2:28AM and I will be having my D&C at 1pm today. I’m nervous of the results. I can’t take another set of not so great news. I feel like I’m in a nightmare and I can’t wake up.
To extend the nightmare – everyone we told, we have to back track now and let them know. Some people found out that I didn’t even know knew were asking me about it – that day I found out the “bad news”. It’s just horrible. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat (not even chocolate!). I never thought this would be my life. So if you made it this far – thank you for your support. I haven’t wanted to share what was going on for obvious reasons, but I was bottling it up all inside, and that can’t be healthy. I also wanted to share because I feel like people don’t share these struggles openly too often. Understandly – it’s beyond hard to talk about and I have a level of guilt, failure and that I wasn’t good enough. But I know this is a grieving process and it will just take time. So… we will see what happens tomorrow (technically later on today).